Dear Victor

Dear Victor,

Last month we had a new neighbor, and for some reason my kids prefer to play with her than with me, their own stepmother. My new neighbor tends to give them toys to play with and sweets to savor on while they play with those despicable toys and that just pisses me off, because I want the kids to stay at home and not go out all the time. I am also under the impression that my neighbor’s friendliness with children is only a front for what she really has in mind: She wants to fatten up my kids up with sweets and then eat them later, just like the witch in Hansel and Gretel. I know this is going to sound cliché, but I love my step kids and since I don’t yet have any kids of my own, I see them as mine. Please help me get them away from the clutches of our evil witch-next-door.

Sincerely,

Grown up who still reads fairytales.

Dear Grown up who still reads fairytales,

What you have is what we in the human race call, honest disgust for the happiness of others, commonly known as Jealousy. But it’s not a problem; jealousy is a totally natural response to being a despised stepmom. The best way I can think of helping you is to make the children understand that you run things in this house now and that you can be fun too, but I doubt they’ll be willing to listen so to make things a little easier, it is in my professional opinion that I ask you to throw in some pipecuronium bromide into their morning tea immediately after your husband leaves for the office. The pipecuronium would paralyze their skeletal muscles and make them docile for as long as you want. Now that you are sure you have their undivided attention, pour your heart out to them and if they refuse to listen to you still, make it a thing. Put in on your calendar “Pipecuronium Wednesday” let them know you wouldn’t give up, trust me, it may take some convincing but after a month of constant pipecuronium-ing they’d come around.

 

Dear Victor,

I have a problem with the receptionist in the building I live in. Every time I’m coming into the building after a long day, she keeps asking my to show my ID before entry. Now I have lived in this building for 4yrs and this woman knows that, she just keeps doing this to annoy me. Please help me, I don’t want to get her fired, I just want payback for all the times she has forced me to reopen my briefcase to get my ID out.

Angrily,

Frustrated in Donetsk.

 

Dear Frustrated in Donetsk,

Revenge is my favorite gift to give, and what better time is there than the present. Here is a strategy a friend of mine came up with: When you are on your way home next time, buy a bottle of water and save a little of it …scratch that… a lot of it in your mouth before you begin going into your building. As soon as you get in and she asks you for your ID, look around you if there are any guards and if the coast is clear, spit the entire volume of water you’ve been holding in your oral cavity into her face and quickly run to your room before she can alert anyone. When she sees you coming into the building next time she’ll be enveloped with mixed feelings as to whether she should do her job or get a face wash and that should be payback enough.

That’s it for the week!

Is your boyfriend giving you trouble? Did he not call you back after yesterday night? Are you scared your father is a mobster? Don’t live in fear, seek the advice of a semi-professional. Mail your problems to me and I’ll show you how to fix it in the most unconventional of ways at victorohwo(at)ymail(dot)com

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Trick of Nature

The problem: I have this psychological condition where although I am totally attracted to women and they are completely attracted to me mainly because of my dashing good looks and pleasing personality, they (the women) find it difficult to put up with me on the long run. From what I have gathered, this is as a result of my annoying antics of making everything a joke and making their life too trivial for their liking. Apparently, women want to be cared for VERY MUCH. I for one am a supporter of the gender equality thing that what a man can do, a woman can do better, so I tend to see carrying women as fragile vases made of glass as disrespectful to their more realistic abilities. For me, what normally starts out as a true attraction to a woman of my dreams ends with a text message saying “ I feel I should protect myself from you; your use of sarcasm is hurtful and unnecessarily so. Moreover, its tough to be open with someone when all they do is throw it all in your face” (yes, someone said that to me). I have come to the conclusion that there is a part of me dedicated to ruining every chance I get at being happy with a woman, ESPECIALLY if I like her. The funny thing is, I’m a total darling with guys. We get along pretty well, they understand me completely and I can prove this because I’ve had the same best friend for over 6 years. So basically, I have bad luck with maintaining a relationship with women but I experience long-term success in my buddy-ship with the guys.

The Solution: I deceive everyone that I am now gay. The force of nature realizes that since I am gay, my wheel of fortune should be turned against men instead of women. This will then give me the opportunity to finally have a long term relationship with the woman of my dreams and ruin all friendships with males, except the ones that were secretly gay, with whom I won’t be able to be friends with because of my demise. But I won’t care, all I want is to be with the woman I really love and all my male friends can go light matches underwater. Ha-ha! Sorry force of nature, I win!!!

*Doing the happy dance that mysteriously resembles twerking*