I wake up lonely with you by my side, one more night it doesn’t feel. There are movies playing in my eyes; I dream of our fortunes, but they’re wrong, I don’t belong to you.
“Let’s get married Annie, let’s get married right away. We’ll travel the world and have a lot of kids together.” I whispered into her ears as cold shrills ran down my spine, this was the boldest step I had ever taken since quitting college to become a photographer. She looked at me mercifully as if I were a lost dog searching for a home in the cold of winter, then she held my hand and she looked into my eyes, it was obvious I was scared; scared she would say no, scared I’ll push her away.
“Where would we go?” She asked,
“Anywhere, anywhere we can, just to be together” I replied.
“I have to stay here Tom, I have to go to college, I have to get a degree, and I have to get a job and a life and…”
“…You could have a life with me, as long as we’re together, you’ll never be alone”
“What you are asking for is not life, it’s a risk and my life isn’t worth the risk,” She answered quietly as she arose from the wooden chair we sat on at the park. “I can’t take risks Tom, I’m not wired that way. You want to get married, you go get married, I’m not doing anything of the sort” She said to me angrily as if I had hurt her by simply asking her to be mine forever, as if it was a crime for me to ask the only woman I have ever loved to marry me and let’s enjoy the rest of our lives together. It had happened, she had said no; she refused. My heart began to race faster and faster with every passing moment we looked at each other, maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she’s bluffing, this is not real, she loves me, she loves me more than anything in the world and I love her too, perhaps even more than she does me, but that doesn’t matter. When people are in love they are meant to be together; that’s how it works.
Annie looks me in the eyes and it’s clear she’s savoring me one last time and I try to tell myself that this isn’t over; this isn’t goodbye. Her deep brown eyes peruse my hairy exterior, she takes my hands and she fixes hers within then she kisses me and continues her gaze. “I love you, Annie. Let’s get married, travel the world and have lots of kids.” I said to her once again hoping she’ll change her reply, hoping she’ll let me in this time, hoping she’ll tell me what I want to hear; that yes, we should get married and travel the world and have lots of kids and live happily ever after. Her eyes close, a tear drops and she whispers “Goodbye Tom”.
I wasn’t taught this way, with a thousand words to say but nothing to mean; I was born with a broken heart. What I wouldn’t give for that first night when I thought you were mine, I could put my hands around you all through the night and dream of our future, but no, the dreams would be wrong; I don’t belong to you.